Dear Mr. Advice,

I recently purchased some jelly beans. These were not just any sort of jelly beans; they were the very special kind that taste like all sorts of assorted tastes like celery, tomato, coffee, and pudding. But I have lost them and looked everywhere for them and they are nowhere to be found. I’ve asked my wife about where they could be but she’s says I should keep track of my own snack foods. Can I trust her?

Lost Jellybeans

Dear Lost Jellybeans,

Okay, let’s get one things straight: pudding has to be, like, vanilla pudding or chocolate pudding—it doesn’t taste like anything on its own. On top of which, you’ve bought some shitty jelly beans here, it seems obvious to me. Tomato? Why tomato when you can have orange or frankly, anything that’s not tomato. Who makes tomato jelly beans? I seriously want to know because I’m shorting the stock in that company tomorrow. Finally, what kind of loveless marriage are you trapped in when you have to keep separate track of your snack food? Seriously, are there separate stock piles around the house? This is disturbing me. I think the clear answer to your question is: no. No, you cannot trust your wife because anyone who keeps stock piles of snack food from you is someone that cannot be trusted.

Read the whole thread: A Field Guide to the Socially Inept